My Love/Hate Relationship With Breastfeeding

Okay, it's time to get real. I'm usually not emotional but my story with breastfeeding is long and very emotional for me. So here goes, I love breastfeeding but I also hate it! Love and hate are very strong words, right! I want to share my experiences with breastfeeding to help others who are struggling to know they aren't alone. I felt so much shame that this story may come as a shock to family and friends because I hide my struggle. And I don't want to hide it anymore.

While pregnant with Ryan my plan was to breastfeed. My first lesson in parenting was that kids have their own plan. Ryan did not latch which could be for any number of reasons. Fast forward a few weeks and several visits to lactation consultants later. I decided to stop trying. It was not an easy choice but one I had to make for my mental health. I decided to pump to give Ryan breastmilk. This was something I could do so I pumped and I really pumped. However, I was still envious of those moms who had the privilege of breastfeeding.

I would see Moms breastfeeding and I was envious. I wanted that so bad. I would see health care practitioners and be asked why I'm not breastfeeding. Family, friends and strangers wanted to know if I was breastfeeding. I couldn't avoid the subject. Breastfeeding is personal, please reconsider asking a new Mom in the grocery store if she is breastfeeding. Odds are that the Mom knows the benefits of breastfeeding and that Mom does not need any more pressure. Each time I was asked about breastfeeding my heart filled with shame and embarrassment. The amount of negative self talk I told myself each day was unbelievable. Adam was beyond supportive throughout my challenge. He reminded me daily that he supported me in however I wanted to feed our child. No matter what caring people in my life would tell me I didn't believe them. The bottom line was I felt like I was failing myself and my child.

When Ryan was around 5 months old I realized my pumping was taking precious time from him and I decided it was time to bow down to formula. And guess what, Ryan didn't care, he was happy either way. Time is precious and I got to spend more time with Ryan. I came to terms with the fact that I tried and I didn't succeed and that’s okay.

Now fast forward to my pregnancy with Beatrice (Bea) my plan once again was to breastfeed. Was I anxious? Nervous? Petrified? Yes, yes and YES! About an hour after she was born I put her to my breast. Bea latched and started to suck!! I cried! Not that cute little tear but I fully sobbed tears of joy!! I couldn't believe it. Adam was so thrilled for me. I'm sure he was also relieved witnessing my struggles before and feeling helpless. A day later it was time for Bea and I to go home; she just needed one more weight check.

While Bea was being weighed I was packing up to get outta there! When the nurse said that "she has lost too much weight and you need to supplement with formula". Those sobbing tears came back along with all those old and unfriendly feelings of shame, doubt and embarrassment. Why? Why couldn't I f***ing breastfeed! Now I finally get a baby to latch but that's still not enough.

Since breastmilk is produced by supply and demand, I would put Bea on my breast whenever she wanted. Within a few days my nipples were bleeding. I started to use nipples shields which helped. I was winning this thing!

*Please note I did not think I would be sharing these pictures. Take notice of the zero make-up, that is real #momlife

Also, I have zero pictures of me bottle feeding Ryan. I really regret that!

So, to continue my complex relation with breastfeeding I got mastitis. For those of you who don’t know what that is, basically it is when you get a clogged milk duct and it makes you feel like you are dying. I’m not kidding, I had the chills, crazy high fever, body aches, and dizziness. If left untreated it could result in surgery. So, I went to the doctor and got on an antibiotic. For the record I hate taking pills. I don’t even take tylenol. Anyways, I got better. Three weeks later I got mastitis again, this time I went right to the doctor and got put on the same antibiotics. But this time the effect was different. I had an allergic reaction. So, now I’m on route to the hospital. By the time I see the doctor the swelling started to go down. They hooked me up to a different antibiotic and guess what I had an even worse allergic reaction. There I was laying in a hospital holding my daughter with nurses and doctors running in and out trying to figure out what was wrong with me and hooking me up to a breathing apparatus.

Fast forward a few days, I was home, taking a new antibiotic. It took days for my breathing to return to normal during this time I went back and forth about breastfeeding. A part of me really wanted to continue while another part of me was terrified that I’d get mastitis again. I decided to keep going with breastfeeding. I’ll fight the fight once more but this time I’m not afraid to supplement with formula. I know that I have given it a good fight, I have tried, I have hit several roadblocks but I still kept going and I’m proud of that.

For all the Mom’s and soon to be Mom’s out there I really want you to know that time is precious. Your little babies will only be little babies for a short time make sure you eat up every second possible. If you can breastfeed I applaud you, if you formula feed I also applaud you. Fed is best! Your baby really needs two things, your love and to feed and guess what? Your baby doesn’t care how it’s fed. The most important thing you can give your baby is love and I know you have got alotta love to give. Even if you are experiencing baby blues or postpartum and you feel like you don't have any love to give, that will fade with support. The bottom line is we are all trying our best as Moms and that’s all we can do!